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Mar. 1st, 2009

(no subject)

Dear God,

Thank you for cursing Eve with a ridiculous uterus that is being passed down to her daughters. If possible, I would like to rip out my uterus and stab it to a million times for its lovely cramps it's giving me at the moment (cramps that I normally don't get).
Thanks a million,

Phoebe

Jan. 12th, 2009

(no subject)

It's 5 AM, and I haven't gotten an ounce of sleep. I'm supposed to wake up in an hour for school. Lovely. =)

I wanted to say this as an across-the-board kind of thing, since it's been bothering me for a while.

The stereo-type of a Christian/Pastor's kid is one that DOESN'T curse, DOESN'T do shitty things that makes them run from the police, DOESN'T do stupid stuff that'll make them wonder if they'll live to see another day. I am obviously not the stereo-typical Christian/Pastor's kid (in fact, I curse in spite of stereo-types).

"You're a Christian, so you shouldn't do that/should do this."
"You're a Pastor's kid, so ..."


People have been pulling that card over me ever since the day I was born, and a lot of memories are attached to those types of phrases. Most of the time, I will shrug it off. But when a friend says that to me, it stings a 1000x more than some stranger.

I'm not going to tell you what kind of memories are attached to those kind of phrases because I am a private person. I don't like being reminded that I am not perfect. That I do NOT fit the stereo-typical Christian/Pastor's kid. That I failed to meet up the standard of what a Christian/Pastor's kid is.

I'm not going to ask people to apologize every time they say it. But I do want you guys to know that when friends pull that card over me.. it will upset me deeply. Whether you care or not that your words will upset me is up to you.

I know I am not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I'm the type of person who will remember every night the mistakes I make. Fuck. I still remember the mistakes I made in 2nd grade when I didn't memorize a bible verse correctly, and I was so upset that I couldn't recite it correctly. HELL. I'm STILL pretty pissed about it. (It's something stupid and petty, but "a real Christian would've been able to memorize it correctly, Phoebe." Just like how a Christian isn't supposed to curse. Oh joy. Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Once again, this isn't really directed at anyone. It's something I am writing in hopes that my brain will finally let me sleep. I am tired like fuck, but the stupid words keep echoing in my head so I can't sleep. God damn.

You can tell I'm obviously cranky, so don't take it personally. Please.

Dec. 22nd, 2008

(no subject)

Sometimes I wish that everything would just stop.

Dec. 16th, 2008

(no subject)

Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit. I thought I was going to fucking die today because of you. Everyday I try my best to soothe your desires and make you feel so special, but what do I get? You tried to fucking KILL me today. Jeez. And not only me-but Jess and Cameron as well? You heartless bastard. I can't believe how shallow and low you can get. I just. UGH. I've been doing my best to accommodate you, but honestly now. YOU should be accommodating ME.

I was in tears with frustration and.. now I don't even know what to say to you. I was so embarrassed when people were rolling down the windows as they passed by, wondering what the hell is going on. And seeing that LOONG line of cars/traffic? Caused by US? Because of YOU? Oh GOD. I hate you, you stupid car.

Well, basically the jist was this: My car's gas pedal gets stuck. And today was the worst one of all-slamming down on the breaks or putting it into park didn't work. The car would still try to keep moving- and it was freaking me out. It kept doing that, so I would quickly turn off the car. And did it 3 times-but all 3 times, my car would still move forward in park. It was so frustrating. D: Oh. Did I mention that I was in the middle of street and caused a lot of traffic? I'm not driving that thing tomorrow.

edit: Or not. My parents don't believe me. =) They think I'm just asking for attention. ....yes. I want attention so badly that I'm going to start crying. Oh.. poor me. Poor little Phoebe. slkjga;lrkwjh I DON'T WANT FUCKING ATTENTION. I WANT A FIXED CAR.

Dec. 9th, 2008

(no subject)

Drama is such a drag.

I want to buy stuff for certain people to show how I appreciate them over the year/times we've spent, but...

A) If you're friends with someone person x don't like, person x says shit about you behind your back.
B) If you're friends with people that are friends with people that say shit behind your back to your people-friends, and they don't stand up for you.. doesn't that mean they agree to the shit? (Afterall, there's that saying that the hottest flames in hell are saved for those who don't speak up.)
C) It's an awkward feeling giving gifts to people who are like, "Lol I hate you secretly, but thanks for the gift so today I'm going to be nice to you." And they think that you can't tell they hate you previous so you act stupid and oblivious to them.
D) If they don't even speak to you anymore, do you still buy them a gift? It's not like this person has any antagonistic feelings towards you (I think).

My funds are limited (lawl, semi-jobless here; web designing only pays so much), so I can't just buy everybody gifts and go "teehee". Maybe I'll just go with my original plans. =/ Buy really good quality gifts for my Big Three, and.. do something nice for everyone else?

Well. Anyways, those are my thoughts for the day. How are you gifting?

Nov. 19th, 2008

I'm gay.

Please take a deep breath before you delve into this rather serious journal and keep an open mind. I know some of you will no longer accept me anymore because of this, but I want to be bring this out in the open with you since I'm a bitch like that.

Read more.Collapse )

Nov. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

I seem to have a habit of updating late(ish) at night, and I STILL seem to have this weird fear of posting for people to see my entries. XD I guess it's just the fact that knowing that your journal entries are up for people to print out and share it with other people?

That very thought really makes me shudders me to the bones. Regardless if it's an entry I post friends locked or publicly, the point of a journal is to know I can say something in a secure fashion. That's why I'm going to make an entire non-LJ, completely personal blog that I'm just going to rant and explode in.

A random shitty drawingCollapse )

I don't know. I want a bold line between my RL life and my internet life because sometimes ranting requires a little privacy that RL can't give. Even if I ask for people not to print shit out or not to talk about doesn't mean they won't-it just means they'll do it more discreetly. Maybe I'm being a little too paranoid but..

Honestly- I just want all this drama to end. :> I want to be able to trust people and post whatever the fuck I want. Stop the hating, stop the bitching, stop the fighting and just..

Clean slate. Well.

That's what I'm going to be doing from now on-I don't know what other people will be doing. If I lose all my friends because of this then. Oh well.

Sep. 18th, 2008

Oh hell with it.

I've been keeping a lot of entries private/just me, but...

BUT OH HELL WITH IT. Just unwatch me if you find my blogging annoying, I don't mind. If I can't be myself online, then when the fuck can I be myself? Online, you can hold a mask to your face or unveil to however you want-and it doesn't matter. Because the internet is serious business like that. =D (And no worries: I'll be keeping those heavy emotional entries to myself since obviously people aren't ready for them yet. XD)


OKAY. Now that I have that off:

Some thoughts I've been thinking lately that might sound uber narcissistic- If I tried, I could actually be attractive. -SHOT TO DEATH BY BAMBI'S MOTHER- It's just never really hit me-I mean, I enjoy dressing up and looking good on special occasions, but stuff like normal everyday and being attractive? Iunno. It's more of something like Jessica-she's always dressed so attractive: taking time to do her hair, makeup, choosing clothes- whereas I'm one of those.. "okay. That's the first thing I see, so that's what I'm wearing."

It hit me when I was looking through photos like the one I just posted above and thought: "Holy shit. I wonder if it's just the dim lighting, but did I ever look that cute?" So during this Hurricane Ike vacation, I'm going to try and dress cute around the house. I'm still recovering from... whatever the illness, but I'mma try! As an experiment-everyday, I'm going to try being.. Oh God. Fashionable. XDD

If by the end of the week I like the change (and the effort doesn't kill me dead), I might just.. make myself a dress up doll for myself. -SHOT- I've always had a friend or someone that I got to dress up in clothes in so many ways, but lately I've been an aloof fag, so I better start relying myself for getting that dose of: hey, I-might-know-fashion-a-little-bit. 
I have the sudden desire to go out and just.. dance my butt off. XD Seriously. Anybody up for some sporadic dancing of doom? :'DD I loved hanging out at Linda's house along with Priya, and just doing.. what girls do. It was my first time (seriously!) doing such.. activities! I'm used to being engrossed into my anime/manga/video games-ness that I've never really gotten into the whole dorking out with friends such as dancing like we don't care, driving out to eat, talking about silly stuff, and NOT doing anime/manga/video games related things. God. This is going to be such a fun year~!

Aug. 29th, 2008

Work

Dulce's Workplace is like what?

2 learning days, 4 hours each day: No pay
Starting work: Should've memorized everything.
Get yelled at a lot- for not being fast enough, for spilling, for messing up on the recipe
Be treated like shit and get threaten to be fired for not being a pro by the 4th workday
A week goes by: you should be a pro already- why the fuck are you spilling and messing up? Why the hell are you still so slow? Look at that line. People are leaving because you are so fucking slow. Does the manager have to do everything herself? She doesn't have time to teach you-Oh God. You're in the way. Get yelled at more, then manager cries herself even though she just finished yelling at you. Oh. And for every drink you mess up, it's coming out of your pay check.
End of the week: I don't want to work there anymore-I hope I get fucking fired. I have 6 bruises on my hands, and I'm lacking sleep.

So today had a long line of people at Dulce's and so we were constantly working. I messed up a lot because I was so damn nervous-but that's just an excuse of course. There's no such thing as being "nervous" to my manager because the recipe is so easy, so what's the need for being nervous? OH. RIGHT. It's my first time being pressured by such a long-ass fucking line. =DD But of course, that shouldn't influence me at all. It should ONLY influence me by making me work harder, faster, better, more efficient.

Wait? I only worked for a week? PSH. I should've already had everything down and stop screwing up. For the past week, I've gone to work and been yelled at over and over again- and I thought that it was normal, and I see the reasoning behind her yelling: afterall, I messed up right? I shouldn't be messing up such easy drinks-I'm wasting materials. So she tells me that she'll just take it out of my paycheck: that's fine. Not like I want money, I want experience. I could work, not get paid, and be totally fine with it-I haven't really shopped for anything.

But today was just.. I don't know. The end of the line. She's been yelling at me non-stop since the first hour I worked to the last hour I worked-telling me how I'm messing up, how I'm ruining everything, how she'll just do everything since I can't do anything right, how inefficient I am, how I need to stop spilling that dime-size spill, how I need to grab the blender just right, how weak I am, how I need to work faster and brisker, how I am so stupid for not remembering simple things, blah blah blah. She normally does that-she's been yelling like that for the whole week- and today's the second time she's yelled so loud that the store stopped to stare at us.

Mind you- I only mess up periodically: I think I messed up like, 3 or 4 drinks total today. One of which was okay'd because we got to use it later, but I still messed up and "ruined her life." I messed up too much today, so she starts crying at the back of the kitchen-wailing and wailing. I don't know why: every time she yelled at me, I didn't say anything, I just looked at her, agreed with her, apologized, and fixed it. Seriously. I have not yelled at her, gave her an attitude, or sneered at her. Several times, I make excuses to rinse towels to keep myself from losing control-I'm upset because I know I shouldn't be treated this way, but I understand her point of view so I agree with it.

Lawl, I am so epic fail.

(edit: I turned in my letter of resignation. I feel so much better.)

Jul. 15th, 2008

Fuuucckkkk.

I think I've found my fandom that isn't RO.

That is all. :'DD

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